Dear Young MamaBear,
Sometimes life is really hard. One day you will lose someone that you love very much and it will be so so hard. At times it may feel like you will never be okay again. Some days you might wonder if anyone has ever been as sad as you feel. But in the end, you can use the pain, from the loss, to be more real and more you. With time and love and support, you can become a stronger, more confident person than you’ve ever been before.
I think everyone, at some point in their life, will most likely lose someone that is really hard to move past. For me it was my mom. I had already lost my dad 3 years before, when she died. It’s been 5 years now. Lately I’ve been missing her so much.
Part of it has to do with me myself moving into a new decade this year. I’ve also been doing a lot of soul searching/life examining this year. I’m realizing that it is really hard to move into a new phase of life, knowing that my mom would be so proud of me, but knowing that she can't see it happen. Wishing I could hear her approval in my ear.
I’ve heard all of the things that people say to someone who suffers a loss: She's watching from above. She’s in a better place now. She's in your heart always. She's with Jesus. Pray. Honestly though, none of this is really helpful, when your heart is missing a piece of it. I know that people mean well, and I am so thankful for their kind hearts. It's just not something that anyone can understand though, unless you've been through it yourself.
There is one comforting thought though, that my amazing, beautiful husband reminds me of. I think of it often, when I have a big wave of ‘missing my mom so bad it physically hurts my chest’ wash over me. It is this: When you love someone and are really connected with them, you can never really be apart from them, because they become a part of who you are. They become so deeply connected with you that you are never really alone. Your ‘souls', or ‘beings', or however you want to think of it, are merged in a way that no one can ever separate.
I understand that thought in a way that I've never understood love before. It's so personal and real and validating. It’s painful to love someone that much and physically be separated from them. But that thought is what carries me through hard moments. That thought is what keeps me connected to my mom in a tangible way. In a way that I can find peace about it all.
I know that I am surrounded by people that love me. I know that I am growing. I know that I am working everyday to get closer to who I want to be. I may still have hard moments or hard days, or hard weeks, especially around anniversaries of when I've lost loved ones. I also know now, that on those days, it's okay to let myself feel those hard feelings and let myself be sad or scared or hurting. I know that those moments come less frequently and usually less intensely than they used to. I now know that those moments or days are part of who I am. And that is beautiful.
I hope you will continue to join me on this journey
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